Banks

I got a phone call yesterday that nearly gave me a heart attack. On Monday the surveyor came round to value our house in England as we are using that as security to borrow the money for doing up I Noci. When he left he told me that there would be no problem. [The house is worth several times what we need to borrow.)

Then out of the blue I get a phone call from a guy with a very thick Indian accent. "Mr Grant, you applied for a mortgage with the Woolwich but the surveyor's report says the property does not meet the Woolwich's lending criteria." That's it, no explanation, nothing. WTF????? When I manage to drag my thumping heart out of my boots, I say: "so what does that mean?". "Mr Grant, it means that the property does not meet the Woolwich's lending criteria." FFS! I know that but what does that mean? "So", I say, "does that mean you are not prepared to lend the money?" "That's right." So, big pause, I ask: "So why does it not meet the criteria?" Reply: "I'm sorry Mr Grant but you will have to speak to the surveyor" and gives me the company name and a phone number in Newcastle. Hang on, I've applied for a, not inconsiderable, mortgage with Barclays [who own the Woolwich] with whom I have been a customer for over 40 years. And I get some halfwit in a call centre in Chennai [or wherever] telling me I've been turned down and he can't tell me why or what I should do about it except to pass me on to the surveyor.

So I phone the surveyor and, guess what, the number is unobtainable. So I phone my Relationship Manager at Barclays who, guess what again, is not answering but I leave a message for him to call me urgently. Then I remember the surveyors wrote to me with the appointment details so I dig out the letter and find their number which is completely different and in Manchester. The office gives me the surveyor's mobile and as soon as I speak to him, I realise what the problem is. Their lending criteria include one that they don't lend on properties with more than 10 acres of land and we have got 20 acres of grazing land (worth bugger all of course). They mentioned this in their report but said that, in view of the fact that we already had a mortgage with them on this property there was no reason not to lend and they could go ahead - the valuation itself was fine. How dumb can these people be? Not only do they already lend on the property but they have the deeds which clearly show that actually there are three properties: the house and garden and two fields so as it's the house that is worth the money it isn't even over 10 acres anyway.

How stupid are these people and how bad is their customer service that, when they [incorrectly] turn down a very longstanding customer they do it with a phone call from somebody who knows absolutely nothing except what's in his script?

Then my relationship manager, Tim, calls back and gets a right earful. He apologises profusely and says he'll sort it out. I'd have been off to another bank ages ago except that it's just so hard to change banks and anyway my experience with NatWest (hopeless) and my wife's with the Abbey (forgot to stop the cheques when she reported her cheque book stolen and then bounced her direct debits and charged her for an unauthorised overdraft when they paid out on the cheques) tells me that they are all as bad.

In other news, we have found another pool company who looks pretty good - we are meeting them in a couple of weeks at the house. If you are going for the high end rental market a good pool is a necessity and, based on our experience in Spain, you really need some way of making / keeping it warm if it's to be usable before July (i.e. for clients with no kinds or very young ones.)